Once Upon a Drug Trip
by genjutsu-girl
Summary: Starring the Rookie Nine, Team Gai, and The Sand Sibs, this is a humor story about drug trips the shinobi have when drugs are accidentally consumed. NejiTen,KibaHina,ShikaTem,ShinoIno,ChoAyame, and select others. Don't like my pairings? Don't read my stor
1. Amanita Mushrooms

**Here it is! **

**Officially my second fanfic. Chapter UN! woo!**

**isn't it exciting? it is to me :D**

**anyways...**

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. I just own a notebook, over 60 CDs, and my fishies Fredrick & Sparky Jr.**

**A/N: THIS IS A CRACK FICTION. IT HAS DRUGS AND OTHER NON-CHILD TOPICS IN IT. **

**you've been warned.**

**Once Upon a Drug Trip**

In the hidden leaf village, Konoha, The Rookie Nine, Team Gai, and the Sand Sibs were gathered at the Hyuga Mansion, courtesy of Hinata and Neji. It was an unusual month for the young shinobi. There had been practically no missions and even the Sand Sibs had time off from their visit with the Hokage. (A/N: they were basically vacationing because Gaara was there to discuss the peace treaty with Tsunade) They had nothing to do. So they decided it'd be more fun in a group.

Temari, Tenten, and Hinata were strolling through the Hyuga garden, while the boys were inside talking about girls, what else? Meanwhile Ino and Sakura were duke-ing it out over Sauske, as usual.

"Stay away from my Sauske-kun you little INO-PIG!" The three girls could hear them arguing outside.

"YOUR SAUSKE? YOU BILLBOARD BROW!" That was the last they heard before Hinata spoke up.

"I've n-never s-s-seen this p-path before!" Temari, Tenten, and Hinata found themselves in front of a path leading deep into the woods. Naturally they started down it, curious as to what they might find.

In the Hyuga mansion again, the boys were, unsurprisingly, talking about what girls they like the most.

"Girls are too troublesome." Shikamaru stated quite frankly when Naruto asked who he liked.

"Well, Temari doesn't think you're too troublesome, Shikamaru. You're all she ever talks about." Kankuro said, annoyed. Shikamaru raised his eyebrows in Kankuro's direction.

"DUDE! Temari's a total babe!! You're so lucky." Naruto practically screamed.

"Ahem…What about you Shino!?" Shikamaru quickly changed the subject after receiving several death glares from Gaara.

"Who do I like? Is that what you want to know?" Shino asked coolly.

"YEAH!!!" bellowed Naruto and Lee, jumping enthusiastically.

"Ino." He said nonchalantly turning back to his reading.

Kiba, Choji, Shikamaru, Lee, Naruto, and Kankuro all stared at Shino, mouths hanging open.

"Why would ANYONE like her? She's so annoying." Said Sauske, looking as pissed off and bored as ever, like always. "Better you than me I guess."

"She doesn't seem all that worth it to me." Neji added. "Care to explain your reasoning with us?"

"Out of all the girls at the academy, she was the only one that could talk to me w/o saying sentences that consisted of the words 'disgusting' or 'bugs are gross.' If you didn't notice, girls tend to stay away from me because of my kikai bugs."

"Do not be ashamed Shino! For Ino is a good choice. She burns with the fires of youth! CHA!" Lee preached to him.

"Leave it to Lee to describe someone in a weird way, eh Akamaru?" Kiba whispered to his now very large, white dog companion.

"Woof!" Akamaru had long since given up on barking. He felt "woof" expressed his strength better. That's what Kiba said anyways.

"Sauske, there has to be SOMEONE you like. Who is it? Come on, tell us." Choji said while munching on potato chips.

"If I HAD to choose…it'd probably be Hinata. She doesn't stalk me like Ino and Sakura. And she's quiet." He emphasized on the "quiet."

Neji just stared. He was sure they all already knew that he liked Tenten, though he'd never admit it. And of course everyone knew about Naruto and Lee liking Sakura. It was obvious by the loathing stares Kiba was giving Sauske, that he likes Hinata. There were only four of the ten boys that Neji couldn't figure out. Choji, Shikamaru, Gaara, and Kankuro, even though he had a slight idea as to who Shikamaru liked.

"Choji, since we're all sharing, why don't you tell us who you like?" Neji decided to find out about the four boys.

"Eh? munch munch Hmm…I guess I like…munch munch Ayame. She's a GREAT cook. munch munch" Choji continued to devour the chips as everyone, Naruto especially, stared at him.

"Erm…Gaara?" Neji asked hesitantly.

"Tenten's pretty, I guess." Gaara just kept on staring at Choji as he gave his answer. Something that surprised everyone. The fact that Gaara answered a question scared the boys. Kankuro took this opportunity to go to his happy place. A place filled with rainbows, chocolate chip cookies, and unicorns. Until Neji disturbed his daydreaming.

"Your turn, Kankuro."

"Geez, I don't know. And I gotta choose, huh? Well…I like Hinata. Like Sauske said, she's quiet. I like 'em quiet."

'What's with everyone liking Hinata all of a sudden? Perhaps this is something I should be concerned about.' Neji thought. Neji already knew that it was useless to try and get Shikamaru to fess up. Not with Gaara in the room anyway.

Meanwhile, things had not changed in the other room.

"INO-PIG!"

"BILLBOARD BROW!"

"You'll never win over Sauske-kun!"

"_CHA!_" Screamed inner Sakura.

Just then Sauske walked into the room, passing through to the kitchen. The two girls instantly started pushing and shoving one another to desperately try and get Sauske's attention.

"HIII SAUSKE-KUN!!!" Sauske just rolled his eyes and walked away. 'Annoying girls…'

In the garden…

"T-this path is s-so dark. Who kn-knew th-the trees provided so m-much sh-shade!" Hinata mumbled to herself.

"Oh wow! Those are amanita mushrooms! They make a great stew. Plus there's a lot. We could use them for lunch. Neji likes stew!" Tenten exclaimed excitedly.

"So does N-n-naruto-kun." Hinata added.

"Pshh. Shikamaru'll eat anything, I'm sure. He's too lazy to taste." Temari snorted.

Inside the mansion again, Neji, Naruto, and Shikamaru all sneezed. While the rest of the boys shivered, as they had suddenly felt strange feelings of doom.

Back in the woods, the three kunoichi were frantically picking the amanita mushrooms. After they had picked all they could carry, they rushed back to the mansion.

About an hour later all ten boys and five girls were sitting at the long table in the Hyugas' dining room, passing around the large pot of stew Hinata, Tenten, and Temari had prepared. Well, Hinata and Tenten. Temari mostly watched.

"What's in this stew Hinata-chan? It's really good!" Naruto asked.

"Oh. Th-they're a-amin-ita mushrooms. Th-they're re-re-really g-good, especially i-i-in stews. Th-th-th-thank y-you, N-n-naruto-k-kun." Hinata managed to stutter.

"Um…were they red with white spots, or white with red spots?" Choji asked between bites of his third bowl.

Temari was the first to answer. "They were white with red spots, why?"

"GULP!" Choji's eyes widened and he dropped his spoon, which caused everyone to stop and stare. Choji never, NEVER dropped his spoon. By this time most everyone was finishing up their second bowl of stew.

"Those aren't AMANITA mushrooms! The mushrooms YOU used cause you to HALLUCINATE!" Everyone gasped at this revelation.

Neji quickly and calmly went into the kitchen to examine the ingredients put into the stew. He reentered the dining room holding the so-called "amanita" mushroom and an empty rosemary bottle.

"Tenten, I need you to tell me, did you use what was in this bottle?" Neji asked seriously.

"Y-yes. Wh-why?" she asked nervously.

"This may be a rosemary bottle, but Hiashi-sama's medication was in it." Everyone gasped again. Except for Gaara, who was giggling uncontrollably with widened eyes.

'Dear lord! What have we done!?!?' Temari, Tenten, and Hinata thought to themselves, exchanging worried looks.

**So, have you a good idea of what this story is going to be like?**

**If yes, good. If no, deal with it. Your mind must be too simple to comprehend my world.**

**hahahahaha.**

**R&R please!**


	2. NOT THE CURTAINS YASHAMARU!

**Well, here's chapter two of my crackfic. **

**and just a warning...this chapter's not very long. **

**I've been having some writer's block about the hallucinations. haha.**

**anyways...**

**DISCLAIMER: I do not own Naruto. I just own the plot of this story, a Happy Bunny poster, and a glass rose.**

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**Once Upon a Drug Trip – Ch. 2**

The leaf and sand-nins watched in horror as Gaara's giggling turned into laughter, uncontrollable, maniac, laughter. Everyone was afraid Shukaku was going to come out, until Gaara pointed to Kiba.

"I seen a bunny like you! It rode a unicycle! I like bunnies! Can I pet you, Mr. Bunny?" Kiba went wide eyed and started making strange, guttural noises as Gaara walked closer and closer to him. Gaara then lifted his hand and stroked Kiba's hair.

"Mr. Bunny, do a trick. I wanna see a trick. Will you?? Huh? Will you?" Kiba shook his head furiously. "Fine. You're mean Mr. Bunny. Real mean." The drugs seemed to make Gaara act like a small child.

No one knew what the mushrooms would do mixed with the medication. No one even knew what the medication was, or what it was for. Suddenly Gaara stood up and struck Lee and Gai's signature "Nice Guy" pose.

"Make cookies, NOT war! … No, seriously. Anyone got any cookies? I need cookies to go with my milk!" He said pointing to an apple. It was, in Gaara's mind, milk.

_Gaara Vision:_

Surrounding him were strange people and creatures, the sight of them making Gaara laugh. Where Kankuro was sitting only a moment ago, there was a lime-green and black Cheshire cat singing "Yankee Doodle" and playing checkers with a cockatiel. Across the table was a grey tree with a spiky top and a cloud above it. Its acorn eyes blinked lazily at Gaara, who laughed and waved at it. Next to the tree was a tall, yellow, four-leaf clover, staring at the tree longingly.

"Hey, you got any cookies?" He asked the Cheshire cat. "Nope. Sorry Gaara." It replied. He turned his attention to Sauske, who was sitting next to the Cheshire cat.

"Hehe…I like cockatiels. And that sure is an ugly frog." He giggled looking at Sauske and Lee.

_Normal Vision:_

"Eh, guys? Why is Gaara waving at me?" Shikamaru asked.

"Did he just call me a cockatiel?" Sauske growled.

"A f-frog? He thinks I look like a f-frog?" Lee started tearing up.

_Gaara Vision:_

Turning away from the Cheshire cat, the cockatiel, and the ugly frog to further inspect his surroundings, he spotted Ino and looked horrified.

"N-n-no…NOOO! NO YASHAMARU!! NOT THE CURTAINS!! NOT AGAIN!!!" Gaara screamed in Ino's direction before crawling under the table, shuddering.

"That can't be good." The Cheshire cat/Kankuro stated.

By this time Sakura was staring at a ceramic turtle on the shelf behind her, batting her eyelashes and sighing dreamily all the while.

"AHHHHHH! NOOOOOO! NOOOOOO!!!" Gaara let out a bloodcurdling scream and crawled behind a large plant that he saw as a vanilla ice cream cone, in the corner.

Forgetting about Ino for a moment, Gaara started licking the plant that he hid behind. Once he took a bite he looked at the plant disdainfully.

"That is the most disgusting ice cream in the world! I wish it were chocolate, instead of vanilla…"He scanned the room, wandering over to another plant and licking it. "That's much better. Mmm. Neji, your chocolate ice cream is better than your vanilla." Neji seemed to be the only one he recognized. Then he caught sight of Ino again and backed into the corner again, yelling.

"I PROMISE! I PROMISE! I won't put Temari's bras on Kankuro anymore! I PROMISE! Just don't…not the curtains…" Gaara started crying. Looking at a bewildered Ino the whole time. Then he crawled over to Sakura, whimpering.

"Mommy, will you read me a bedtime story?"

"I'm your mom!? When did I have a baby? When did I even have SEX??" Sakura asked him.

"NO! He CANNOT go to sleep!" the yellow four-leaf clover said to Gaara's "mommy."

"Sorry dear. Hulk Hogan says you can't sleep. How 'bout you, me, and Dad go for a walk?" She asked pointing to the ceramic turtle, which she then picked up.

Sniffling, Gaara nodded and stood up again. Choji took this time to lock all the windows and doors. Then he pushed the table up against the wall with help from Shino, Hinata, Kiba, and Naruto. Shino and Hinata making sure everyone was out of the way while the others pushed the very large table. After that, he grabbed a chair, sat back, and enjoyed the show.

During their walk around a giant blue Jell-O mold with red Swedish fish swimming in it, Gaara saw a table lamp with spiky blonde hair fishing in the Jell-O with an umbrella. He ran towards the lamp, but was jerked backwards when Sakura grabbed his shirt collar.

"Mommy! I wanna go talk to the lamp!!" he whined.

"Stay away from my daughter, Sasori! You won't get my child!" Sakura warned a very confused looking Naruto menacingly, while pushing Gaara's face deeper and deeper into her cleavage. "Even though I don't remember having her." She added looking at the ceiling.

"…need…air! …need…air…mommy…" Gaara gasped, grabbing at Sakura's shoulders. The he went limp, unconscious.

"NOO!" screamed Temari and Kankuro. Until it seemed as though Shukaku, who had also been affected by the three bowls of stew eaten by Gaara, was unconscious as well. It was Sakura everyone focused their concern for now. She had dropped Gaara and picked up the broken ceramic turtle she had dropped upon seeing Sasori/Naruto, rocking it back and forth slowly in her arms, weeping.

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**What'd you think of chapter two?**

**I'd reallly reallly like to know. Plus lots of reviews makes me happy :D**

**R&R please!**


	3. A Frenzy

**TA DA! Chapter three has arrived for your entertainment. **

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto. I simply own the plot of this story, a trampoline, and my dignity.**

**This chapter focuses mostly on Sakura, but there's plenty of the other characters as well.**

**bon appetite**

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**Once Upon a Drug Trip – Ch. 3**

"Choji, shouldn't we call someone for help?" Lee asked staring horrified at Sakura. "This seems to be getting out of hand."

"No. We should wait it out. Someone might get the wrong impression about us and we don't need that right now." Choji answered, placing the unconscious Gaara on the table, out of the way.

"I guess that makes sense, but I still think that our senseis could help us with this situation."

"Yeah, but if we call our senseis…wouldn't they be mad at us, for using drugs? They would assume the worst, Lee. Trust me, it's for the best."

"Oh Lee! He was so young!" Sakura cried out, still cradling the ceramic turtle.

"But I'm right here, Sakura." Lee said confused. "Sakura, don't you recognize me?"

_Sakura Vision:_

There was a giant pickle walking over to her and Lee, who was lying in her arms, dead. Behind the pickle was a snowman. Sakura found it strange that the snowman didn't melt in the warmth of the house.

"Don't take one more step you pickle!" She hollered. "Or else I'll make you into relish!" 'Where are my friends?' she thought, and then she spotted Sauske, dropping and forgetting all about the ceramic turtle/Lee.

"Sauske-kun! I was so scared after the were-toaster bit you." She tackled him. "Did you defeat Sasori? He was here earlier. He attacked the little red-headed girl on the refrigerator." Sakura gestured towards Gaara.

"Er…okay." Sauske backed away from her slowly.

"At least I know you'd never do anything with another girl, Sauske-kun." Before he could even get a "huh?" out, Hinata jumped onto Sauske and kissed him passionately. Kiba, upon spotting the lip-lock, instinctively growled and pulled Hinata off of a dazed looking Sauske.

"Sauske-kun! H-how could you!? SICK 'EM PICKLE!" Sakura yelled looking at Lee.

_Normal Vision:_

Lee was standing up against the wall shaking, as Sakura walked towards him, brandishing salami like a sword. She threatened to use it on him if he didn't "sick" Sauske, which he refused to do. He shivered, as she smiled demonically, the intent to kill clear in her eyes.

Sauske sat near the locked kitchen door with a stupid smile plastered on his face. Hinata had jumped on Kiba immediately after being pulled off the stunned Sauske and the couple sat making out intensely in the corner.

Choji just sat on a chair, popcorn in hand, the drug laced stew apparently having no effect on him. Neji twitched uncontrollably at the sight of his cousin, who was attached by the lips to the dog boy.

Ino made her way over to Choji and started eating his popcorn, moaning with every bite.

"This is soooo good! Ohh, it's faantassstic! Mmmmm!!"

Shikamaru and Temari were hidden behind Temari's fan, doing who knows what, and Shino was entertaining himself by making Tenten scream with his kikai bugs.

Naruto and Kankuro were dancing to silence behind Choji and Ino.

_Sakura Vision:_

After she broke a golf club over the pickle's head for not attacking Sauske, Sakura decided to get even. She saw a life-sized puppet and walked over to it.

"I don't need SAUSKE. I have a PUPPET." She said in an obvious attempt to get his attention.

Hearing the word "puppet," Kankuro stopped dancing in time to see Sakura lunge at him in the same fashion Hinata had to both Sauske and Kiba. Glancing at Sauske between kisses, she saw him in a state similar to Neji's. 'Serves him right.' She thought kissing the Kankuro puppet once again.

_Normal Vision:_

Turning away, not wanting to watch his cousin and the dog boy anymore, something caught Neji's eyes. He walked to the shelf that Sakura had gotten the ceramic turtle from and picked up a prescription bottle with a note inside of it instead of pills. 'This must be the original bottle of Hiashi-sama's medication.' He removed the note, which read, "In the rosemary bottle." It was in Hiashi's handwriting. When Neji turned the bottle to read the label, he saw "Viagra" printed in neat letters.

"Oh no! Choji! Come and look at this quickly!" Neji motioned for Choji. "I found the original bottle for the medication Tenten accidentally put in the stew."

"Is that VIAGRA? Bahahahah!" Choji burst out laughing. "No wonder the stew doesn't seem to have any effect on me. Pills…of that variety don't work on me, and cancel out any drugs in my system. That's some funny shit man."

"This is serious Choji. What's gunna happen to me?" Neji was beginning to freak out a little. He was beginning to hallucinate.

He realized this when Choji turned into a teapot. Not to mention, what had started out as a gathering of boredom, was turning into a make out frenzy. There was Kiba and Hinata, Sakura and Kankuro, Temari and Shikamaru, Ino and….SHINO? 'Oh god, I'm gunna puke.' Neji thought to himself. 'Never, NEVER saw that coming.'

Let's see…who was left? Himself, Choji, Naruto, Gaara, Tenten, Sauske, and Lee. Out of all the shinobi there, only ONE girl had not attached herself to a boy. Tenten.

"Wait! You don't know what you're doing Tenten! Don't walk any closer! I mean it!" Tenten had seen Neji looking at her and took it as an invitation.

"Don't worry, I'll be reaaal gentle Neji." Tenten purred. "I promise." And before he could stop her, Tenten kissed him gently but forcefully. Forgetting all about everything else, Neji lost control.

Pulling away from Kankuro again, Sakura scanned her surroundings. 'When did everyone start making out?' She asked herself… 'Hmm. This could be interesting.' She located Sauske, who gave her a dirty look, like she had betrayed him, but she didn't care. For once in her life, after seeing Sauske, she just kept on looking for other people. There were five boys, sitting unattended to. Choji was eating popcorn, Lee was slumped on the floor (she just realized that he is not a pickle), Gaara was passed out on the table, Naruto was lying on his back watching a bug fly around his head, and then there was Sauske. Sakura could see everything how it was supposed to be once again, but she just couldn't shake the urge to jump all these guys. She settled for Naruto. Who gasped as she straddled him and winked. He knew what it meant.

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**Well well well. Sakura's turned out to be quite...popular with the boys, hasn't she?**

**Well, I haven't actually decided on who to do the next chapter about, but i'm sure it will be up soon.**

**And in case anyone's interested, my other fanfic (Enrei Ookami) has the 5th chapter posted now.**

**so, if you're a current reader of that fic, please help yourself to another serving of it.**

**If you haven't read it, you should :D**

**I've gotten a little over 100 hits on it. I'm very pleased.**

**The hits are starting to rise for this fic too. **

**anyways...**

**R&R please!**


	4. WHY WON'T THE GERBILS HELP?

**Disclaimer: I own Naruto! I got him off from gBay :D (sees Masashi Kishimoto's angry lawyers) (runs away screaming at the top of my lungs)**

**Sorry it took me so long to update this story. I haven't gotten much pushing from you guys though, the readers.  
unless i think that people actually like the story, I don't know if i'm going to continue it. **

**A/N: The first person to review this story, will get a special shoutout on the next chapter(s, depending on whether someone reviews before i come up with the next chappie.) **

**so, BRING ON THE REVIEWS!**

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Once Upon a Drug Trip – Ch. 4

'This is getting ridiculous.' Choji thought. He was surprised that Lee had not started to freak out, seeing as how it only took one drop of sake to send him off his rocket. 'I guess it's different with drugs.' He shrugged.

"Alright, this has got to stop. Anyone here not tripping out, raise your hand!" Choji bellowed to his fellow ninja. Sauske, Shikamaru, Lee, and Neji all raised their hands. Naruto would have also, but he was currently crushed under Sakura's lips. "That means that the impaired are as follows: Sakura, Kiba, Hinata, Shino…" Shino interrupted him.

"I am not impaired. I didn't eat any of the stew, but my kikai colony is **freaking** out. They, on the other hand, did have some." He sat down and twitched as his bugs swarmed inside him, making a faint buzzing noise.

"Moving on… As I was saying. Ino, Tenten, Kankuro, and Gaara are all impaired, correct?" Choji asked, looking at the boys around him.

"It seems as though the fire of youth cannot stand up to hallucinogenic mushrooms and Viagra!" Lee jumped up with his "nice-guy" pose.

"Dobe…" Sauske muttered under his breath looking at Lee.

"Whoa! I could really use a PEANUT BUTTER SANDWHICH!" Shikamaru screamed and jumped up, showing more enthusiasm than any of the others had ever seen him use before. "PEANUT BUTTER! I NEED PEANUT BUTTER FOR MY SANDWHICH!!" He hollered, running to the door to the kitchen, which he slammed into because Choji had locked it. He then fell over, unconscious.

"SHIKAMARU!!!" Temari, finally realizing that Shikamaru was no longer with her behind the giant fan, had gotten up to beat him into a pulp. Seeing him knocked out on the floor, she began to cry. "WHY DID YOU LET HIM DIE!?!" she yelled/asked Shino.

"You're implying that I did this?" Shino's eyebrows were visible above his glasses. He twitched again, grabbing his head. He walked over to an empty vase and pointed in it. "All of you, OUT! NOW!" A stream of black kikai bugs surged down the arm pointing to the vase, filling it quickly. "DO NOT LEAVE THAT VASE!"

No one had ever seen Shino show emotion. Much like with Shikamaru's mad dash into the locked door, the other ninja were shocked. The room went silent, except for Sakura and Naruto, who were on the floor, smacking energetically. And Kankuro, who was poking the sleeping Gaara, giggling softly. Shino stared at them, with what would be an annoyed expression (A/N: his face is practically all covered, so, they can't really see his expression, can they?).

"Do you know how hard it is to keep a calm and cool demeanor with a colony of kikai bugs swarming inside you??? I didn't think so." Shino said when everyone just continued staring at him.

"We are just surprised to see you and Shikamaru-san show such…such YOUTHFULNESS!" Lee struck his mandatory pose…again.

Kankuro suddenly flew past the unimpaired group of boys. They all looked towards Gaara, who had woken up, and was walking towards them with an evil aura about him.

"Where-is-Mr.-Kuddly-Poo-Poo!?!?" He demanded, shooting kunai at them with his Tankuki eyes.

"I-I-I-I-I'm s-s-s-sorry, b-b-but you didn't bring Mr. Kuddly-Poo-Poo Gaara!" Kankuro whimpered against the wall he crashed into. Gaara started crying, seeing his "mommy" preoccupied with Naruto, Gaara looked towards Neji. "Will you find my Teddy?" He pleaded with him.

"Me? How am I supposed to be of any help to you?" After hearing the answer Gaara looked around, a confused look adorning his face.

"What is going on?" Gaara's voice had gone from childish to normal again. "Why is Shikamaru passed out? I don't even want to know what happened between Naruto and Sakura. Is there a reason Temari's crying over Shikamaru and Kankuro's quivering against a wall? WHAT IS GOING ON!?" Gaara seemed back to his normal self.

"That was, interesting. I guess you shocked him out of his hallucination Neji." Choji stated.

"WELL? Is someone going to answer me, or do I have to use my sand-torture jutsu to get some answers??" Everyone except Lee took a step back. Lee thought that since he was closest to Gaara out of the remaining unimpaired group, he should be the one to answer.

"You see my YOUTHFUL companion; there was something wrong with the food made by Sakura, Tenten, and Temari-chan…I THINK THEY WERE SOMEHOW POSSESED AND FORCED TO MAKE THE TAINTED FOOD!" Lee shrieked, grabbing hold of Gaara's shoulders. Gaara, who was used to Lee's antics, looked to the rest of the group with an impatient look on his face.

"Anyone else?"

"Long story short…Tenten mistaken some hallucinogenic mushrooms for amanita mushrooms, which they put in the stew along with some crushed up Viagra, which Hiashi-sama had hidden in a rosemary bottle. Now everyone, besides who you see standing in front of you are tripping out on the drugged stew." Neji said matter-of-factly.

"Okay." Gaara said before his sand swirled around him and he was gone.

"I wonder where he went…" Choji said. Everyone else nodded. "He sure is mysterious."

After that it was quiet for the next hour or so. Naruto and Sakura stayed attached via lips, as did Hinata and Kiba. No one worried much for them. Shikamaru was "passed out" still on the floor, but his eye flicked open every once in a while, so the boys within their right minds knew he was feigning unconsciousness.

"WHY WON'T ANYONE DO ANYTHING ABOUT MY SHIKA-KUN?" Temari screamed after Shikamaru closed his eye once more, making it seem he was twitching to Temari. "There are enough of you gerbils here to take care of him!" Apparently Choji, Lee, Neji, and Shino were gerbils to her.

"Oish. Some of the things these wackos see are strange." Shino declared. He dropped his cool, calm demeanor shortly after breaking down and sending his colony into the vase. They had stopped their incessant buzzing, but Shino just left them in the vase to be amongst themselves.

"That's an understatement." Choji, who still, surprisingly, wasn't hallucinating. Everyone was just amazed he could still stand, let alone build perfect sentence structures without thinking about it. He did eat five bowls after all.

Temari kept shouting about gerbils and how they aren't any help to the human/ninja kind.

_Temari Vision_:

'Stupid gerbils…why won't they help? Can't they see that Shika-kun is in trouble? He needs medical help!' She stood up, glaring at the gerbils. There were three gerbils. A white one, a fat one, and a green one. 'Why is the one gerbil green??? He's over there, being all happy and green when MY Shika-kun needs special attention!'

"And a TOMATO!!!" She suddenly screeched, finishing her thought out loud.

The gerbils stopped what they were doing and stared at her. Besides the gerbils there was a billboard with a picture of a fox on it, and then there were the chairs making funny slurping noises in the corner. (A/N: the "chairs making funny slurping noises Kiba and Hinata.)

_Normal Vision:_

"Okay. Temari is officially freaking me out. I say we do something about her. She's scary enough when she's NOT hallucinating." Lee said, normally for once.

"I vote we bind and gag her." Neji retorted.

"I'll second that. Lee grab her!" Choji agreed. Lee jumped up and zoomed over to Temari with his super human speed, his weights were at the cleaners because they were smelly from his sweat (A/N: Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. Ew. EW! Sweat is gross…).

The three managed to get Temari gagged, bound, and laying on the table where Gaara previously occupied it. The left the matter with only slightly minor injuries. Lee sported a very black eye and gash near the bottom of his right leg, thanks to a kunai hidden in Temari's sleeve. Neji had a rather large bruise where Temari had smashed his headband into his face after tearing from his forehead. And Choji, lets just say, he's glad he can still lift a fork. After hearing the ruckus, Shikamaru finally decided to get up. Temari's eyes widened when he stood and walked into her view, pecking her softly on the cheek. He smiled, laughed, and walked away from her.

"Nnnnn!!!! Mmmm! MmmNnnnnn!!" She grunted through her gags, made up of a dirty cloth napkin and one of Lee's ripped bandages.

"Sorry Babe, but I need Peanut Butter…"

"Uh-oh! I think its Shikamaru's turn you guys!" Lee announced pointing at him.

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**DUN DUN DUN!**

**Haha. So, Shika is next. Excited? **

**I am :D Extremely :D**

**Sooo...**

**Gaara appears in a storm of sand **

**Gaara: Review or face the RATH of MR.KUDDLY-POO-POO!**


	5. The Hokey Pokey

**Disclaimer: Mr. Kuddly-Poo-Poo says I do not own Naruto.**

**Sorry it took me so long to update guys. Let's just say that i was in a big fight with writer's block, and it kept winnning.**

**When we last left off Temari was tied up on the table, Sauske was twitching, Naruto & Sakura were making out, as was Kiba & Hinata, and Neji & Tenten, Gaara was gone, and Shino, Ino, Lee, & Kankuro were just kinda chillin. **

**haha. anyways. Shikamaru's Chapter.**

**Ready? Set? GO!**

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Once Upon a Drug Trip – Ch. 5

It appeared quite obvious to the ninja not impaired in some way or another, that Shikamaru had the munchies. Maybe it was what Shikamaru was yelling to the entire village, that made them guess.

"FOOD! I WANT FOOD!" Shikamaru had promptly eaten a chair cushion, four bags of Choji's chips, one of Temari's hair bands, a handful of sand left behind by Gaara, and then he washed it all down with whatever liquids may have littered the dining table that was against the wall.

Shikamaru darted up to Choji, who had pulled out a small box of popcorn, and snatched up the young Akamichi's snack. Choji tried to retaliate, but the lazy Chuunin was surprisingly quick and agile. Choji sat down, tears streaming down his face. Shino sweat dropped behind him.

Shikamaru, having gained a sudden energy burst from the pilfered popcorn, was zooming around the room, jumping over various people and objects.

"SHIKAMARU! YOU'RE GUNNA PAY FOR THAT! THAT WAS MY LAST BOX OF POPCORN!!" Choji had snapped. 'He looks like a bull.' Shino thought, idly playing with a string on his long grey jacket.

Choji surged forward, steam billowing out his ears and nostrils, but he stopped abruptly. Somehow, Shikamaru had managed to form the hand signs for his shadow possession jutsu.

"You put your right foot in! You put your right foot out!" Shikamaru had his hands in the air in an ape-like fashion and was giggling madly as he made Choji do the Hokey Pokey.

Naruto pushed Sakura off him, making her pout, and walked over to Kankuro, where he slapped him. This immediately brought the puppet-nin out of the stupor Sakura had left him in.

"Come on! They're doing the Hokey Pokey!" Naruto and Kankuro walked over to where Shikamaru and Choji wee dancing and formed a circle.

"Oh! The YOUTHFULNESS!" Had it been anyone else, Shino would have thought they were beginning to see things like everyone else, but seeing as how that was how Lee normally acted, he didn't think too much of it.

Shino turned around to tell Lee to shut up and stopped dead in his tracks, mouth wide open. He sweat dropped and then twitched.

"N-Neji?!?" Lee, as it seemed, was already in the circle. Neji stood where Shino had believed Lee to be, clapping energetically and looking joyful, a very un-Neji thing to do. Tenten had also joined the circle, leaving the uncharacteristically clapping Neji behind.

"Shika says…howl like a dog!" Lee, Tenten, Naruto, Kankuro, and even Choji all began to howl along with Shikamaru for the second round of "Shika Says."

"Hey!" Kiba lifted his head from where he and Hinata were laying. "I find that very insutlin-mmph!" Hinata dragged the dog boy back down to the floor, everyone else ignoring him.

"Ok, now…shake your butt!" Shikamaru and Choji both started shaking their rears. "Ha! You lose Choji!"

"No fair! You're controlling me with your shadow possession!"

"Choji, I released you a long time ago. I'm not stupid you know." Shikamaru pointed to the chubby ninja. "So, you're out!"

Tenten, Kankuro, and Lee were the only ones left in the game. Shikamaru had managed to get Naruto out by telling the group to yell the phrase "I love ramen!" The ninja remaining in the game laughed heartily, but none more so than Lee.

"What is the next command, Shikamaru-san!?"

"Hmm…" Shikamaru scratched his chin. "This next one's for the guys only. Shika says…kiss your favorite girl!" Lee jumped over to Sakura and pecked her on the cheek. Kankuro chose to kiss Tenten, as Hinata was currently occupied. Shikamaru rushed over to Temari and pulled out her gags.

"SHIKAMARU! I OUTA KILL YO-mmph!" Temari made the same noise Kiba had made when Shikamaru smashed his lips against hers. He pulled away, and Temari passed out.

Tenten's eyes widened when Kankuro pulled away from her. She raised her hand, in what seemed like a gesture to smack the painted face of the sand shinobi, but instead pulled his lips to hers again. This seemed to snap Neji out of his 'youthfulness and cheer' complexity. Without any notice, he bashed into Kankuro. All the boys, except for Sauske and Shino who stood back with disgusted looks on their faces, gathered around the Hyuga and puppet-master. A full fledged fight had broken out. Neji was about to deliver the finishing blow when he flew backwards, as did Kankuro. The two who had been fighting were now pinned against separate walls with a kunai in each sleeve and pant leg. Tenten stood where they had once been fighting. She shot a death glare to each boy.

"Neji Hyuga! You have no right to do that to Kankuro. And Kankuro! Learn to defend yourself!" The weapon mistress stomped over to Kiba and Hinata. "Inuzuka Kiba! Don't you know how to assert yourself!? Learn some self control! BOTH of you!" It seemed that Tenten was on a rampage.

Neji, disliking the fact that he had been not only pinned but told off by Tenten glanced towards Sauske and Shino. He motioned for them to help him down, which they did. Neji, Sauske, and Shino grabbed Choji and dragged him into a corner.

"Lee! Get some fashion sense! Sakura…you're a whore!" Sakura gasped and her eyes welled up with tears. "Naruto! Do I even have to say it? You're annoying!" The boy in question glowered at the rampaging girl. "And Sauske!" Sauske looked up from the huddle he was in, hearing his name. "What is your problem!? You could have any girl in the whole freaking village, yet you chose to be all secluded and angsty! Hell! Even Neji doesn't get that much attention! Am I the only girl in Konoha who doesn't fall all over myself when you're in the same room as me!?!?" Hinata stood up, ready to say that she wasn't in love with Sauske either, but Tenten didn't give her a chance to speak. "Kiba or Naruto or Lee would KILL to be in your situation! You need to GET OVER YOURSELF!!!" Sauske's eyes flared red with the Sharingan, but Shino pulled him back into the huddle.

Before Tenten could even manage to close her eyes, Shino was behind her, holding her arms behind her back. Neji rushed to stand in front of her, she was about to scream when a bandage was thrust into her mouth, stifling her yelp. Sauske walked up to her slowly with a smirk of amusement on his face, Sharingan still activated.

"I think you've said your last complaint Tenten." Sauske swiftly bound her legs together. Shino moved from his spot behind her, careful not to let go of her arms. She felt Shino's soft, cool hands leave her wrists, they were replaced with rough, calloused hands, belonging to Sauske. The trio continued to bind and then lay her next to Temari on the table. "Serves you right." The Uchiha scoffed when the other boys walked away from the table. Even though he could not hear her, Tenten was using her very wide vocabulary to call him an array of unpleasant names in her head.

"Troublesome women." Shikamaru looked at the two captured girls, then fell over and started snoring.

"Honestly, who didn't see that coming?" Shino asked the group.

Outside of the Hyuga mansion sitting on a tree branch was a certain silver-haired jounin. What he saw in the dining room made him laugh. Temari and Tenten bound and gagged on the table. Kiba and Hinata making out in a corner. Kankuro pinned to a wall with several kunai. Sauske, Shino, and Neji talking amongst themselves in another corner. Choji sitting on a chair missing a cushion, eating something unidentifiable. Sakura, Ino, Naruto, and Lee playing "Red Light, Green Light." And in the middle of everything, Shikamaru passed out, snoring loudly. Yet, Gaara of the Sand, no where to be found.

"Hmm. I swear he was in there last time I checked on them…"

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**Those of you who know who the certain silver-haired jounin is, i'm very proud of you :D**

**Makes you wonder how long he's been watching them huh?**

**anyways...**

**R&R please???**


	6. The Winner Is

**Disclaimer: I do not own Naruto, no matter how many times I wish on 11:11.**

**Anyways. Sorry for the wait guys! Before we start I'd like to give a special shout-out to Moonlight-Shimmer, xXPoisoned DreamsXx, and de-ji bebi for all their support. THANKS GUYS! I love you all!**

**On to the chapter. Sorry to disappoint, but sadly this is the last chapter. I decided to wrap it up. I do believe that there is a suprise ending in store for you though :D**

**So...enjoy the finale!**

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Once Upon a Drug Trip – Ch. 6

His eyes followed the swing as it moved back and forth slowly. He sensed another person walking up behind him. When he turned around he wasn't surprised to find her. She was late, but at least she was there.

"It's about time." Gaara glared at the woman, her shiny black hair glinted in the light.

"I'm sorry I'm late Gaara-kun, but I've brought it. It took me a while to find, but I brought it."

"Good." Gaara grabbed the bundle that Anko had brought to the park by his request. She owed him for the dango anyways. He had been helping her with her dango fixes for a long time…

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"I wonder where he went. I mean, if Baki were still alive, he'd have killed us by now." Kankuro had been released from the wall. Naruto had pulled the kunai from his clothes and the wall, after which, Kankuro dropped to the floor. Now he was talking to Temari nonstop, she struggled valiantly to free herself from her bindings so she could kill her brother.

"That's right Mr. Giraffe. Lick off all of the marmalade…" Shikamaru still lay in the middle of the room. He was in a fetal position, giggling. Choji and Neji starred in a stupefied state of horror at their fellow ninja.

"What do you think he's dreaming about?" Choji asked, munching on some unidentifiable food.

"I really don't want to think about that. I'm afraid of the answer." Neji twitched slightly. "Just thinking about what the hell might be going through Shikamaru's head right now is scary enough."

"Yeah." Gaara walked up and stood between them. "Whoa! Where'd you come from???" Choji jumped. Neji stared at the red-head with a blank face.

"I had to go pick something up. I feel like taking a nap. It seems like Shikamaru has the right idea." Gaara walked over to where Shikamaru was laying and took a place beside him, setting his head on a pillow. He pulled a brown bag out and removed a teddy bear. "G'night Mr. Kuddly-Poo-Poo." Gaara fell asleep.

"…" Neji and Choji both twitched.

_-Ino Vision- _

"What's with Shikamaru and a panda sleeping on the floor? Shouldn't they be sleeping in a bed?" Ino stared intently at her surroundings. "Hmm…what have we got here?" She walked over to Hinata and Kiba. Kiba, startled by the sudden appearance of feet next to his face looked up at Ino. "You guys are dumb. You shouldn't be in the middle of the floor. You don't know what's been down there!"

"A-are y-y-y-ou o-okay, Ino-chan?" Hinata pushed herself off of Kiba, who grunted in disappointment. It seemed as though their make-out session was over.

"I'm just sayin'. I mean, I wouldn't want my dog on the gross floor like that." Ino walked away and Kiba sweat dropped.

_-Normal Vision-_

"K-k-kiba-kun?"

"Yeah Hinata?" Kiba stared at Hinata and a blush crept up her neck into her cheeks.

"Wh-wh-what h-happened between u-us?" She felt embarrassed, something that Kiba could easily see. He chuckled. Apparently he hadn't been affected by the stew yet.

"We made out." Kiba wasn't fazed by this at all, but Hinata seemed to be hyperventilating.

"Oh no! But I don't like you!" Kiba's eyes widened. "Where's Naruto-kun???" She spotted him and ran to his side. Kiba was on his knees, eyes widened.

"B-but…but…" Poor Kiba.

"Naruto! I'm sorry!" Hinata pleaded with Naruto, puppy dog eyes in place. Naruto cocked an eyebrow and laughed.

"You're funny Hinata." That seemed to cheer her up. When she turned around she saw a window and decided to go and look outside. She didn't know what compelled her to do so, but she did it.

"KAKASHI-SENSEI!?!?!?" All of the other shinobi (the conscious ones) all turned their heads in Hinata's direction. Everyone started running around and then Neji ran straight into said copy-nin, who had appeared inside the building, having been discovered.

"Hello everyone. How are we today?" He decided to mess with them for a while.

"K-K-Kakashi-sensei, we can explain…" Sauske stuttered, hating himself for doing so. Before Kakashi's arrival he had been preparing himself to glomp Sakura, who he knew was provoking him. It was working.

"So, tell me, do anything fun lately? What's going on guys? Care to fill me in. I mean, I've been quite bored. There hasn't been much for anyone to do. I decided to come see what everyone here was doing. I heard there was a party. Why weren't the jounin invited?" He talked calmly, throwing everyone off and making them uncomfortable. Everyone started babbling. "Why don't you start by telling me why Tenten and Temari are tied up on the table? Or how about why Shikamaru and Gaara are sleeping in the middle of the floor?"

"You're hallucinating?" Sauske tried. He seemed to be the only one with a voice.

"No. Try again Sauske." Kakashi looked highly amused. "Alright, just tell me everyone's'…status and I'll be on my way." He took out a notepad and a pen. Neji sighed and stepped up to explain their situation.

"Well, you see Kakashi-sensei…"

"I already know what's been going on Neji. No need to explain. I was just having some fun." He grinned wolfishly (or would be if his face was visible). "Just tell me what kind of state everyone is in. I have to inform the other jounin. We have a pool." Neji sweat-dropped.

"Uh…well, as you can see Tenten and Temari are bound and gagged. We couldn't handle them in their…state. Gaara disappeared for a bit, then came back and fell asleep on the floor next to Shikamaru. Hinata was influenced and is…" Neji raised his eyebrow. "..Swooning over Naruto, who is just laying there. Kiba is and has not been affected by the stew. Choji and Shino have not been affected either. Ino…I don't know what's going on with her. Sakura is sex-starved. Kankuro won't stop talking. I was affected for a short time. I am not now. I'm not sure what's going on with Sauske…"

-_Sauske Vision_-

Sauske felt like he was watching a movie. A movie that he could interact with. He walked up to a blonde rabbit and poked her in the forehead. She fell over and screamed.

"HE TOUCHED ME!"

He had been watching the 'movie' for quite some time, but now there was a new character. He looked like a dog. Half of his face was covered in black fur and was indecipherable. He was talking to a cat with really long hair and white eyes.

-_Normal Vision_-

"…but I'm pretty sure he's trippin' out like no other. He keeps calling to me, saying 'Here Kitty Kitty.' It's a bit disturbing. And lastly…Lee is surprisingly not affected. It seems that he can hold drugs better than he can hold alcohol." Kakashi chuckled.

"Well, it seems that we have a winner."

"Tell me." Neji commanded, straight faced.

"Well, Gai won the first pool. He guessed that Tenten would get tied up and have something in or around her mouth to shut her up." Kakashi scribbled something on his notepad. "Kureni won the second pool. It was on who would find a way out of the mansion first. Which, apparently was Gaara, and the third pool…" he did a double take. "Tsunade?!?"

"What was the third pool?" Neji's face was still emotionless.

"The third pool was which ninja would 'hook-up' with the most others. Sakura was the person that did."

Hearing her name, Sakura stood up and walked over to Neji and Kakashi.

"Neji-kun…" She purred. "Can I use your phone?"

"Uh…okay." He pointed to the wall next to the door leading into the kitchen. Sakura picked up the receiver and dialed. Neji heard it ring from where he stood.

"Hello Hokage-sama." Sakura nodded and 'uh-huhed' a bit before talking again. "Hai, you won. You remember our deal? Hai, I get half of the earnings." Sakura said good-bye and walked back over to Kakashi and Neji.

"What was that Sakura?" Kakashi asked.

"I had a deal with Tsunade-sama. I spiked the stew, then I made myself into a slut. Basically, I needed the money. My mother's birthday is coming up and with no missions, no money." Sakura giggled and disappeared in a swirl of cherry blossom petals. Neji and Kakashi sweat dropped.

"So…the whole thing was a set up?"

"It seems that way." Neji shrugged and walked to the dining table and started eating some stew. "May as well not let this go to waste. Care to join me Kakashi-sensei?" Kakashi shrugged and walked to the table, picking up a set of chopsticks and digging in.

-End-

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**Kind of a goofy ending I think :D**

**But that's it. **

**The End :D**

**R & R PLEASE!**


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